Monday, August 16, 2010

Dear Glenn Beck...

You and I need to talk Sir.


And, really, I mean no disrespect but there are some things of which you need to be aware.


Please quit YELLING AT ME. If I chose to watch your program then that is my choice. If my 90 year old, hard of hearing father choses to watch your program then that is his choice. However, you come on at 4:00 my time when I chose to watch Oprah who talks about, at worst, driving while using a cell phone - her stressing me over this I can handle you telling me THAT OBAMA IS RUINING THE COUNTRY AND BUY GOLD BUY GOLD BUY GOLD is stress that I can not handle.


Seriously, I can not handle it.


See, unlike you, my father lived through the Great Depression and he has ALWAYS told me to have a little bit of Gold hid away so I can go buy a loaf of bread when the currency fails (yes, we are an upbeat family thankyouverymuch). But now he has you and, not only does he count how many Gold commercials are on during your program, (I believe it was 8 the other day) but he then wants to discuss with me how we must GO BUY GOLD NOW BEFORE THE CURRENCY FAILS. NOW. QUICK. DRIVE ME DOROTHY NOW. Never mind that I don't have the money for said Gold (because as Natalie Green taught me on Facts of Life the symbol for Gold is "A.U. stole my Gold watch").


I even understand your writing of books. You are a millionaire and have nothing better to do but write books and scare old people WHILE YELLING AT THEM. Oddly, I am busy taking care of one of the ones that you scare to death while I am searching desperately for a stress pill for him and a Xanax for me.


I honestly must admit that I don't know your position on abortion or crime or anything but GOLD and YELLING as I have never intentionally watched your show.


However I do understand that you like Capitalism. As do I. I think it is a great thing. It has made you millions while scaring the shit (literally) out of people.


Here is where I get a little fuzzy and most Conservatives can't answer me. I can think of NOTHING (see I can yell also Mr. Beck) more Capitalistic than a female selling her body - her "God" given gifts for some money - hell I could be a high end prostitute and only accept Gold. But I am sure that you would have a problem with that as it would be immoral and wrong. I disagree. It is capitalism at its finest. Its most pure. I would simply sell (or lease) what I already have - for Gold of course.


Which, I am sure leads us into the abortion debate. I imagine (and like I said I have never intentionally watched your show nor have I read your books BECAUSE OF THE YELLING AND MY STRESS LEVEL DUE TO TAKING CARE OF A 90 YEAR OLD WHO WANTS ME TO BUY GOLD).
I am sure you are pro-life. As am I. Because, really, life? Who can argue? Go life!! Life Rocks!


However, unlike you, I am also pro-choice whereas you are anti-choice. You trust me to have a child, raise it, buy it enough gold for when OBAMA RUINS THIS COUNTRY but yet you don't trust me to decide that I am not physically/emotionally/mentally capable to have said child? Hmmm. That seems odd.


Shouldn't we get the government THAT OBAMA IS RUINING out of our lives and, therefore, out of my uterus?


Shouldn't I be intelligent to decide that I don't have the money to raise a child unless I want it to turn out to be one of those A.U. stole my Gold watch?


I have more brains than that Mr. Beck and, obviously you do also.


You have made millions scaring people because you YELL at them. I take care of one that you have scared and now he takes stress pills, oh and A.U. someone DID steal my GOLD charm bracelet which I would replace but what with your 8 commercials per hour for gold I can't afford it.


I will make a deal with you. I will run your show for an hour (where we will talk about rainbows and puppies and unicorns and nice happy things) and you can come yell at my father about BUYING GOLD NOW and you can take him and even pay for it. I'll trust you - for an hour - with my father, the person that I love most in this world even though you don't trust me with my uterus.


Sincerely,
Dorothy Mayer

2 comments:

  1. This is the funniest thing I have read in a long while. I'm laughing out loud in the school library as I read it. Thanks for making my day!

    Love you!
    Josh

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  2. Sadly, I wasn't trying to be funny!!
    But thanks Josh.
    Love you also.

    ReplyDelete