Who let the dogs out???

Fucking I do. All day and all night.
Dear my little 4 legged wonder Mitey [who I willingly and happily took into my home because you were so pathetic and laid on my boob (which oddly has gotten me two dogs that specific way) and looked at me with those EYES]:

But who will feed me?? Look at my EYES lady. I laid on your boob. I NEEDED someone as pathetic as you to adopt me.

I love you. Love you as only a single unmarried spinster crazy dog lady in waiting can. But Dude we have to talk. Or bark. .
I understand it must be hard being a dog what with the no opposable thumbs, who is going to feed me, can I, in fact, lick my balls all day and all the sleeping. Sleeping in the morning. Sleeping at night. Sleeping in the car. But here is the deal. One of us (Me - the owner - the Alpha dog.) likes to sleep at night. Preferably through the night. But you aren't tired at night. I wonder why? Hmmm.

I sleep like this because I have no fear, and I am a vicious pitt bull.

Or sleep on people:

There is a dent on my forehead. I am not sure why.

I am aware this is not an attractive picture of me but the dog? Is totally asleep.

Hi Grandpa. I sure am tired during the day what with keeping my Mama up all night.

I am also aware that you have separation anxiety as evidenced by the fact that:

a) Grandma who protected you left this house and NEVER came home and she protected you from me when I must beat you daily.

b) when Grandpa goes on walks you CRY because what if he LEFT you.

c) you shit in the house when we leave you. Inside. For two hours twice a week when we go to eat. What if they don't come back? Who will feed me? Who will play with me? Opposable thumbs? HELP.

d) they are currently people working on our street and if you go up there and look cute maybe they will feed you or you can steal yet another of their sandwiches (twice now).

But, really, you are a dog. Can't I get like 6 hours of sleep at night at one time?

Love,

your adoring Mama.

Yes, thank God I don't have a standard.